Fiquei debruçada no parapeito da janela por várias horas. Percebi que ainda era possível ver um resto de chuva e pela janela era nítido o arco-íris entre as nuvens. Me perdi naquelas pessoas la fora, naquele vai e vem de estranhos e de coisas banais. Cheguei a contar as flores caídas no asfalto: era mais ou menos trinta, entre vermelhas e amarelas. Nem sei por quanto tempo me perdi. Raul tentou me olhar e novamente não conseguiu. Gritou mais algumas palavras, depois bateu a porta com força e nunca mais voltou. Até hoje nunca mais soube noticias de Raul.
Entramos em casa, joguei meu molho de chaves coloridos e cheio de chaveiros em cima de um aparador que ficava visível da entrada e direto olhei para o espelho que fazia parte do conjunto. Eu estava exausta, ligeiramente descabelada e Raul, continuava gritando. Também pelo espelho via aqueles lábios que um dia foram tão doces articularem palavras que não entendia, ou fazia questão de não entender. Apertei meus cabelos com força e me joguei no sofá. Tive paz por resumidos 2 minutos – o tempo de ele pegar um copo com alguma bebida qualquer e recomeçar. Lembro que reclamava tanto, reclamava de tudo. Deixei que ele continuasse gritando. Gritou, reclamou, resmungou – fez tudo parecido com se queixar. Nada era bastante o suficiente para deixar Raul calado. Faltava-lhe o ar, parava, respirava e começava tudo outra vez. Isso demorou horas. Eu-já-não-aguentava-mais-Raul.
Tenho que confessar que naquele dia eu havia abusado do uso de conhaque e cigarros. Nem sei se cigarros de nicotina ou de outras substâncias. A única coisa que queria era que Raul calasse a boca e me deixasse dormir. Mas não, ele insistia em ser um atormentador àquela hora da manhã. Escutava fragmentos de frases como louca, nunca mais, vergonhoso e sem limite. Deduzi que ele poderia estar deveras irritado devido ao meu estado, sinceramente, deplorável.
Repeti incansavelmente um ta-bom-tudo-bem-raul, mas ele também incansavelmente continuou berrando aquele mesmo sermão de mãe. No momento senti uma sensação estranha e corri para o banheiro. Consegui botar pra fora tudo que ingeri na noite anterior – e olha que não foi coisa pouca. Limpei a boca na toalha branca que vi pendurada do lado do lavabo e depois joguei água no rosto diversas vezes. Quando consegui respirar, tomei coragem e fui novamente ao encontro de Raul. Ele estava sentado no sofá e por mais que tentasse não conseguia me olhar nos olhos. Caminhei até a janela e me sentei de uma maneira que era possível observar tudo. Estava uma linda manhã.
Fiquei debruçada no parapeito da janela por várias horas. Percebi que ainda era possível ver um resto de chuva e pela janela era nítido o arco-íris entre as nuvens. Me perdi naquelas pessoas la fora, naquele vai e vem de estranhos e de coisas banais. Cheguei a contar as flores caídas no asfalto: era mais ou menos trinta, entre vermelhas e amarelas. Nem sei por quanto tempo me perdi. Raul tentou me olhar e novamente não conseguiu. Gritou mais algumas palavras, depois bateu a porta com força e nunca mais voltou. Até hoje nunca mais soube noticias de Raul.
9 de jul. de 2008
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meeeu,
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